One of my greatest (non-existential and non-irrational) fears — besides the everyman’s dilemma of public speaking — is falling out of my shower into a wet, motionless heap.
Not only would whoever rescued me find my naked ass splayed across the floor, but they’d see proof positive in my grimy tiles what a terrible domestic goddess I had been.
This particular fear pre-dates The Disease because of a certain Sex & the City episode in which Miranda does this exact thing and is, with reason, mortified. And then Aidan, Carrie’s boyfriend at the time, came to help her. Ummm, pass on the White Knight-cum-friend’s significant other thing. I’d rather stay frozen on the floor.
Because of MS, it’s now become sadly obvious that me and heat do not mix well. So just as I’m enjoying cranking up the hot water to scald level, my balance decides to take a mini-holiday and I feel myself dizzily careening.
Of course, because I’m the imaginative type, in that split-second I feel myself slip, I automatically think up the worst-case scenario: I hit my head. Blood is oozing out. My body is in a position it is clearly never supposed to be in, even with extensive dance training. And I didn’t even get to rinse out the conditioner.
Whoever had this house before us installed those handi-rails, which we have cleverly used to hold bottles and razors and other assorted bath items. Which makes grabbing onto one in a graceless moment a tricky proposition. Also, a bit of advice: As tempting as it may look, do not under any circumstances cling desperately to the shower curtain as your life preserver. It will disappoint you every time. And then, if you’re me, you might have a close encounter with something that is someday soon going to turn into mold.
So now I keep the water tepid. And I’m giving some serious thought to those non-slip little stickers to line the tub floor.
But a note to any would-be saviors who might one day find me in such a vulnerable position: Please cover me with a towel first. I may have lost all of my balance, but I would like some of my dignity to remain intact.