This week was to be the magical week, when we had hoped to be “in the clear,” so to speak.
We were going to share with our families and friends this weekend that come Valentine’s Day, there would be a new Godwin-Walker to introduce to the world.
It wasn’t to be.
Instead of being near the end of my first trimester, I was going for a follow-up appointment to my surgery from two weeks ago, a D&C.
Our first ultrasound at 8 weeks showed the beginnings of pregnancy, but the end of life — no heartbeat.
We were — are — devastated.
It’s tough to process, to understand why this happened. Not cosmically, but chemically. Was it the MS treatment I didn’t stop soon enough (it’s not safe to take during pregnancy)? Was it my own body?
We’ll never know.
And now we’re in the limbo land of wait-and-see for my body to get itself right again (as if that’s even possible).
We’d like to try again, but honestly, we’re a little terrified.
Every week that goes by without me on MS treatment is another week of fear for symptoms to creep back in. They already have, even with steroids.
If there is anything we can take from this summer it is that we can conceive. And that we can get through anything together. We have an amazing support system.
I know miscarriages are heartbreakingly common, but speaking up about them isn’t.
So I’m sharing, even if it means logging another sad post.
Because I’ve always said that this blog would be as real a portrait of my life with MS as possible.
Of course, when I said warts and all, who knew that it would be all warts?