Multiple sclerosis, Struggles, Uncategorized

Gaining persepctive from loss

This week was to be the magical week, when we had hoped to be “in the clear,” so to speak.

We were going to share with our families and friends this weekend that come Valentine’s Day, there would be a new Godwin-Walker to introduce to the world.

It wasn’t to be.

Instead of being near the end of my first trimester, I was going for a follow-up appointment to my surgery from two weeks ago, a D&C.

Our first ultrasound at 8 weeks showed the beginnings of pregnancy, but the end of life — no heartbeat.

We were — are — devastated.

It’s tough to process, to understand why this happened. Not cosmically, but chemically. Was it the MS treatment I didn’t stop soon enough (it’s not safe to take during pregnancy)? Was it my own body?

We’ll never know.

And now we’re in the limbo land of wait-and-see for my body to get itself right again (as if that’s even possible).

We’d like to try again, but honestly, we’re a little terrified.

Every week that goes by without me on MS treatment is another week of fear for symptoms to creep back in. They already have, even with steroids.

If there is anything we can take from this summer it is that we can conceive. And that we can get through anything together. We have an amazing support system.

I know miscarriages are heartbreakingly common, but speaking up about them isn’t.

So I’m sharing, even if it means logging another sad post.

Because I’ve always said that this blog would be as real a portrait of my life with MS as possible.

Of course, when I said warts and all, who knew that it would be all warts?

13 thoughts on “Gaining persepctive from loss”

  1. I’m also sorry to hear this news and wish you better progress on all fronts in the future.

    Sharing your MS experience with us, “warts and all” is appreciated.

  2. You are so brave for sharing this, Jenn. You know Matt and I are here whenever you need us — don’t ever be afraid to call or just show up. We love you and Nick so much!

  3. Jen, I am so very sory for your loss. I know that no words I say can even begin to help or heal you. But please remember I am AWLAYS here for you. I know we haven’t been in touch much lately, but please know that, truly, I think about you more than you can imagine.
    With Much Love,
    Ann

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss, Jennifer. I will be praying that you will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and beautiful child. And that baby will be blessed with a wonderful mommy, I’m sure!

  5. It hurts so much, I know. But it does help a bit to let some of that pain out. We love you and will always be here for you!

  6. So very sorry to hear you lost your baby. That is very sad and I’m sure it was hard for you to share something so personal. Hang in there and I hope your MS treats you well so you can stay off treatment long enough to have a beautiful healthy baby.

  7. I sorry for the loss of your baby. I know it was hard to share, it was hard telling anyone or even admitting that I had lost two babies before having Bear. We are here if you need to talk and never give up hope!
    Luv, Ya

  8. Jen, I’m so sorry to hear this. We recently had a ‘chemical pregnancy’ (first test was positive, but the second one was negative), and we’re devastated and more than a little terrified too. Thank you so much for sharing. I read your post often, its the next best thing to seeing you every week……

  9. Jenn, I truly am saddened to hear this, but thank you for sharing. Through this sharing, may you know that you’re never facing this alone. We all are here for you, and as kristina commented, “never give up hope!” Dan

  10. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. I’m glad you were able to write about it and share it with us. I am having trouble getting pregnant, and while I wrestle with how much information to put out there, I know that writing about struggles helps me break down some of those feelings that this kind of thing is hush-hush. Stay strong, girl. – Megan

  11. I just now saw this post. I’m so, so sorry. But you’re right — you now know your body can conceive. I had an early, early miscarriage — as in, wouldn’t have known why I was having what appeared to be the period from hell except that I had already taken a pregnancy test, which showed positive. Sending a big virtual hug your way!

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