Struggles

Crushed

Nothing makes sense anymore.

The world has gone topsy turvy, and I want off.

Babies are born to unfit parents all the time.

People get what they don’t deserve.

Life is unfair.

I should learn to accept it, because if this past year has taught me anything, it’s that hard truth.

Because the second I let hope in, it’s dashed yet again.

I sought to handle MS with (my not-yet-trademarked) grace and humor. I’d like to think I’ve managed that, with mixed success.

But then came other struggles, ones I am not so equipped to handle.

A pregnancy test read positive last week. But it wasn’t to be. A week later, after being more than a week late, it was nothing more than chemicals stirring, signifying nothing.

There’s no way to grieve what was never truly there. (Not that I haven’t tried — just ask my tear-stained pillow.)

Eventually, cautiously, I’ll let hope back in.

Someday, I won’t write with such sadness.

One day, my heart won’t be as heavy.

But not right now.

9 thoughts on “Crushed”

  1. so sorry. I’ll be hoping and praying for better news soon. And I think you should take a pair of your fabulous heels and smash that test strip for getting your hopes up.

  2. I’m so very very sorry. I remember telling the doctor who was telling ME sorry that I did it once, so I can do it again. You’ll make it happen too!

  3. Oh sweetie, I’m sitting over here trying not to cry for you, with you. Sorry doesn’t cut the pain, but I’m giving you the biggest mental hugs I can right now. I’d come give you a real hug, but I figure we’d both start bawling and I don’t want to make you cry at work. I BELIEVE you guys will get better news soon. We love you!!!

  4. I’m so sorry. But please don’t self-impose some Spartan discipline about not grieving. There was a significant loss. You are entitled to grieve.

  5. I know the feeling very well. Looking back, I never thought I’d get pregnant with my second one (it look 7 years and many losses). But now the baby I thought I’d never have is going to be a daddy (after a miss themselves). And I surely never thought I’d still be on my feet after the diagnosis of ms I got when my son was only 2 years old. I now have 2 grown children of my own, a bonus step-son, 3 step-grandchildren, a baby grandson and another on the way. You never can imagine what’s around that next corner and you won’t know until you get there!

  6. I just now saw this post — I’m so sorry. The same thing happened to me. Chemical pregnancies are common though — it’s not an indicator that you won’t conceive. Big virtual hug on its way.

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